my misadventures

pixie wants

2009-07-22T00:28:00.000+08:00

Kings Of Leon - Revelry.

2009-03-11T01:22:00.001+08:00

What a night for a dance
You know I'm a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones
And the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night
So high don't wanna come down
To face the loss
Of the good thing that I have found

Woo hoo hoooo
Woo hoo hoooo

In the dark of the night
I can hear you callin' my name
With the hardest of hearts
I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke
And I ask If you're ever around
Even though it was me
Who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared
It was precious to me
But all the while
I was dreamin' of revelry

Gonna run baby run
Like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back
I wont ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along
That had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me
Were the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it
Was precious to me
All the while
I was dreamin' of revelry

Dreamin' of revelry

And I told myself,
Oh the way you go
It rained so hard,
It felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods,
It was dark as night
Palest pale,
Of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete

Dreamin' of revelry
Dreamin' of revelry
Dreamin' of revelry
Dreamin' of revelry

the word of the day

2009-03-05T14:53:00.002+08:00

envy |ˈenvē|
noun ( pl. -vies)
a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck : she felt a twinge of envy for the people on board.
• ( the envy of) a person or thing that inspires such a feeling : their national health service is the envy of many in Europe.
verb ( -vies, -vied) [ trans. ]
desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else) : he envied people who did not have to work on weekends | [with two objs. ] I envy Jane her happiness.
• desire for oneself (something possessed or enjoyed by another) : a lifestyle that most of us would envy.
DERIVATIVES
envier |ˈenvēər| |ˈɛnviər| noun
ORIGIN Middle English (also in the sense [hostility, enmity] ): from Old French envie (noun), envier (verb), from Latin invidia, from invidere ‘regard maliciously, grudge,’ from in- ‘into’ + videre ‘to see.’

p.s. why can't everybody accept the reality and just fucking get along.

my magical weekend

2009-03-03T02:11:00.010+08:00

i think the week is turning out better than i had hoped for, i feel happy and i am not sure what the hell it is. did the holiday work? was it my night out last saturday? was it the facial that may have readjusted my bank balance? haha... yes nisha and i went for an amazing facial, by that i mean we may have fallen asleep with our mouths open, snoring. and as predicted when i walked out of the room, there was an array of beauty products lined up on the table to magically transform me into angelina jolie, all costing slightly over a grand but ahh haaa i had a plan... a plan i had worked out in my head minutes before entering sothy's. one where i claim i can only know if the product doesn't agitate my skin after a couple of days so i can't make any purchases until then... then she comes with a plan that tops the plan i had in my head... the "package" plan... bitch. and i didn't know what else to say but "YES!" when i could have easily said... what i had originally said... but i couldn't, the facial was good and i would save a hundred bucks. damn it (by this time of course, nisha was sold and spent a fair bit on the magical products they put out for her that would make her look better than ms jolie and was waiting patiently for me)... . so yes, i have a clean face, i am a grand short and i am happy.
p.s. congratulations han vi and kai xin, it was truly amazing to see how happy you both looked!
**note, i took three miserable photos at the wedding cause i was too busy having fun. haha.

:)

2009-02-27T03:34:00.002+08:00

if only i could shut my eyes and time travel... i could go back in time and change a couple or more things in my life, not all just a few things that i wish i had done different or didn't do at all.
but i can't. so i am stuck here, in this moment... without knowing what's next. i wonder how people can consume apple cider vinegar, it smells like ass (this is merely a term i like to use... it is not in anyway literal). i have a wedding to attend on saturday and a birthday party to attend after... the joys of having something on my social calendar which amounts to something other than getting sloshed on bad vodka shots, trying to locate my keys (finding them obviously in the last place i look), straggling to my car and hoping that anyone watching me just thinks i am tired and not drunk.... waking up the next day wondering how the hell i got home. don't get me wrong, its not something i do all the time... but it has happened.
i was in klcc today, kept my production manager company whilst he bought a prada wallet for his mom (he's such a sweetheart) and i ended up in desigual spending money on a dress (and two tops) i will wear to the wedding on saturday (just the dress that is) which mind you, does not look like something anyone wears to a wedding but i thought i would defy tradition and be me. i don't do dresses. the only proper dress i own, i have worn to several weddings, thanks to facebook and its wretchedness, people are bound to notice... and we can't have that now can we? then i thought about bringing my slr... where does one shove an slr when they go for a wedding, in their clutch bags? women and their clutches. i really don't think they're practical. you can barely squeeze an m&m in there.
i am exhausted. i shall post up photos of my weekend on sunday. till then.

selamat malam.

**apparently my friend nana thinks i blog deep... here's to her.

i'sa back

2009-01-10T03:05:00.001+08:00

last year has thought me... that nothing last forever, friendships, relationships, plants, resolutions, your ability to take crap from other people, your flat stomach... etc etc... but i do know one thing... that life in itself goes on. time does not stop for you or anyone else for that matter... it just moves on. this year i am single, i run my own company, i made new friends who've been amazing, sadly i lost some good ones too... but hey, life just moves on. we don't always want it to but it does. so we deal with it. i know i am. i spoke to "you" yesterday and i know that things have changed now more than ever... and i am glad we spoke because its sets everything for me in a whole new light. i rammed into some dude's car yesterday and the reason i say dude is because this was exactly what he said to me "dude, what happened?" and i said... "well, the light was green for a good 8 seconds and because i was trying to sms someone i banged you... what else do you think happened?"... then he had the nerve to ask me for a grand... HAHAHAHHA! it was a sentra... he had to be kidding. he had a dislocated bumper its not like his whole back came off... so to make things easy i told him "DUDE, why don't you go make a police report and we can solve this in the morning... cause right now i got some place to be"... being the cow that he is (the driver mind you was really nice... it was his idiotic brother whom i couldn't handle)... they agreed and i went on my merry way... obviously there was nothing wrong with my car, except i have half a number plate... so he called me today, saying... hey, i went to the mechanic and it cost RM180... so i said... "there you go"... ah the joys of being smarter than the average bear. LOL. i just got back from the office actually and i have a 9am meeting at the hotel where the director and his producer are staying so i should say goodnight... i shall blog again tomorrow.

121008

2008-10-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

i smoked an entire pack of cigarettes today. had two cups of coffee, a whole can of coke, one glass of water and a glass of juice. i had soup and bacon for lunch. and i finally ate a proper meal at dinner. i haven't done one of those in a while. it was nice that ash kept me company while i sat at sanctuary *mother fucking internet at home as been down for two whole days, TWO. trying to finish up a proposal for france, a pitch i know i will probably never get but its worth a shot. tiny gets confirmation for their first job tomorrow, i know i shouldn't be too excited until we get a proper, proper confirmation but i can't help but think... its finally happening or should i say is so damn close to happening *as nisha put it - keep your punani crossed.

i slept quite a bit today, finally, i think the curtains have finally stopped bothering me. as becky put it the light shines through your eyelids, hits your corneas and then burns your brain. hence why i am normally up by about 8.30 am. which is bizarre for me yet great at the same time. seeing as i have six million things happening for me all at once, i could use the time. and what little time i have left, i spend with friends, dvd's and my bath tub. i should go home and see my parents, i miss them more than anything, oh my dog... finn baby. sigh.

i feel lighter today. i sent out an email, i didn't think i wanted to but i guess i needed to. my heart feels lighter. my head feels a little dizzy from it all and i hate the fact that i smoke in my room. it smells like a wet ashtray *yuck. i shall stop. not smoking but smoking in the room. i wish i had a hammer and some wall nails, i want to hang up my clock. i have batteries for it. i would get thrown out of the apartment if i start banging on the walls at this god forsaken hour.

i should sleep, i need to be at 2AM by 9.30am. why i have no idea. but i do.

goodnight you.

i like this song

2008-09-02T15:25:00.004+08:00

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you who you need to be
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you when you’ll need to leave

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you’ve heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

Chorus:

And you’re on fire
When he’s near you
You’re on fire
When he speaks
You’re on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything you are
Give me one more chance to be... (near you)

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I’ll take

Chorus:
When I’m on fire
When you’re near me
I’m on fire
When you speak
And I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I’m standing on the edge of me (x3)
I’m standing on the edge

Chorus:

And I’m on fire
When you’re near you
I’m on fire
When you speak
(yea) I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries...

i feel it all

2008-09-01T20:23:00.001+08:00

i feel it all.
sensitive some people say. but i feel nonetheless.
i wish i didn't. i wish i couldn't care less. i wish.
but i do.
so damn me for feeling.
i some times even feel what others would brush aside.
i should have a fragile sticker on my head.
i'll be the one who breaks my heart. that i know.

2008-08-12T14:46:00.000+08:00

q u i e t

2008-08-06T17:22:00.000+08:00

i was late as usual. whenever there is production... nine means eleven. now means never. its been sent means you haven't even begun.
honestly i am still trying to figure out if i love or loathe my job.
i come in and i dread reading work emails. facebook bores me. i can't seem to blog properly, come to think of it i never could. i seem to have stopped taking photos again.
i planned a party, made trinkets, came up with the theme, sent out the invites and then I LOST THE LOCATION... so i am feeling a little stupid. only a little. *i am not allowed to talk about suicide, otherwise i'd ideally like to slit my wrist open and use a fork to pick at my veins* i need to fix this. i am after all a producer, isn't that what the pay me for... to fix things?
maybe in my resume it should say "commercial producer - who cannot fix things?"... i'd get job offers from alaska if you ask me. speaking of which... i wonder if they have production houses there.

some how the noise in the office seems louder than normal, not that anyone is screaming but everything seems so loud. i want them all to go away. leave me alone. stop talking to me. don't look in my direction. don't ask me if i want coffee. i don't want lunch either. i just want all of you to shut up. *that felt good*. my head hurts and my back aches. i need a holiday. not even, i just need a day to lay in bed and do nothing i don't want.

i am going to stop whining now.
i love.

manic?

2008-07-28T16:26:00.000+08:00

how about an instant mix for instant happiness. pure complete happiness. just add water and two egg whites, two cups of sugar, whisk it together for a good three minutes then rub it all over yourself with a spatula that comes free with the purchase of a six pack and taaaa daaa.... you're deliriously happy.... mad right? *smacks herself in the head and resumes her actual life.

i am back for the eighth hundred time. i don't even know whether people actually read my blog or like it for that matter but frankly i don't quite care. i enjoy public venting (good or bad)... maybe it should be called public display of madness... hmm...

frankly how much can one be pushed to the brink of insanity? i feel like i am in serious need of some saving. saving from what i don't quite know. possibly from myself and my twisted mind. i should call my mind "the AIMLESS wonderer". constantly wondering about things... that some times don't even matter but some times do. the lint on the bathroom rug. the smell of the burning pot. a friends who's ignoring me. the current state of my bank account. my mothers shoes. finn and his food. my father and the fish tank. how long is this going to last?

if there is one thing in life i hate, its not knowing. not knowing things that could help ease this uncertainty i feel with so many things. like... if i bought the electrolux vacuum cleaner (the wireless one mind you) would my nightmares of the lint go away? if i paid for a whole years supply of dogs food would finn ever go hungry? if i had paid more money for a different pot would it still smell the way it does? if there weren't such vindictive people in the world, would i have lost a friend? if my mother carried her green shoes instead of the black ones would she have been happier? you know... that sorta thing. maybe it should be an instant mix for certainty...?

overall, i am pretty happy. i could do with half a box of the instant mix of certainty and maybe a quarter of a box of the instant mix for happiness. oh and some cold hard cash and internet. a heater and a kettle. okay, that'll do.

oh and about my father and his fish tank... do any of you know if i can hire some one to clean it for him every 2 weeks?

while i was in mulu having a shitty couple days

2008-07-06T00:36:00.000+08:00

i believe people shouldn't give up but we do. some times when all the walls close in on us, we do. unfortunately. but we deal with the choices we make or are made for us. or at least i do. in my own fucked up way but i do. i am thankful for the people i am surrounded by right now, from the grip boys, to the art department, to the tranny thrash wardrobe stylist, to every single person here with me now. i am thankful i am not asked to explain myself when i am down, when i cry, when i sulk, when i snap, when i scream, when i laugh uncontrollably and burst into hysterics for no apparent reason

thankfully mulu is some what refreshing in its own way, i've walked enough to last me a life time, seen enough jungle to blind me and ate enough sarawak laksa to put me off it. but i like that i am away from home. i like that i am at a distance. (off topic) i finally got an slr. no idea how to use it properly but i got one! yay for me. (back on) yeah i am just glad i am here and that i am busy and that jojo is my pharmacist.

my brother called me from a bar today, we both shared a beer over the phone. i miss him and how close we use to be... it was good to hear a familiar voice. we're going on a vacation soon. the whole family and i am actually looking forward to it. spending time with the kids... with the new slr that i will hopefully learn how to use by then.

but until then i'll be on holiday in sabah after this shoot is done. on an island, hopefully, where no one knows my name so i can regain my senses and i wouldn't need to make small talk and pretend to be interested in what they're saying. i'll write about it as soon as i get back.

i am exhausted, physically more than mentally. so i am gonna tuck in and pray i sleep well tonight, its gonna be a long ass mother fucking day tomorrow. more torture on shoot tomorrow. with people giving me attitude and me being in the chirpiest of moods ever. fanfuckingtastic. goodnight you. my eyes are starting to play tricks on me (thanks to my pharmacist).

p.s. where'd my heart go?

10.23pm/june 30th @ 10:23pm

song of the week

2008-06-29T15:43:00.000+08:00

You enter your room it's a lonely world laid out on the floor
And you're rolling away through fractured life deep into the walls

Cos if it can't work out what's right and fair its time to escape
And on the other side there's an endless light to brighten the way

Take my breathe and my whole life too please don't let me down
Just to come undone if that were ey just to lose what we found

You've got the strength within and don't give up there's so much more to see
So many things beyond your wildest dreams
They'll never stop you if you just believe
The world is at your feet
This beach is wide and clean
They'll teach us wild and pride
Just got to be out loud
The world is at your feet
This beach is wide and clean
They'll teach us wild and pride
Just want to be alive

Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down,
Please don't let me down

joy's mindless M E M E

2008-05-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Name: joanne
Single or taken: status undefined
Gender: female
Birthday: may 30th
Sign: gemini
Hair color: (dyed) black
Eye color: some what brown
Height: five six
Straight/bisexual/gay?: the last time i checked, straight

F A S H I O N S T U F F
Where is your favorite place to shop for clothes?: depends on what i am getting
What is your sexiest outfit?: my stripper get up, code name candy passed to me
What is your most comfortable outfit?: jeans and tops that sorta camouflage my hideous jelly belly
What do you usually wear?: as the above

S P E C I F I C S
What kind of shampoo do you use?: i have 4 kinds at the moment - l'oreal, dove (yurks), head and shoulders and rejoice.
What are you listening to right now: ku katakan dengan indah - peterpan
Who is the last person that called you?: shamil
How many buddies are online right now?: forty three

F A V O R I T E S
Foods: anything spicy
Guy names: tristan
Subjects in school: photography
Animals: dogs, fishes and shanan

H A V E Y O U E V E R
Given anyone a bath?: my nephew
Smoked?: still do
Bungee jumped?: i'd rather be flogged to death
Made yourself throw up?: yes when i feel pukish
Skinny dipped?: only partially
Ever been in love?: always
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no
Ever imagined your crush naked?: err no
Actually seen your crush naked?: why? did he say something?
Cried when someone died?: unfortunately i am not that heartless so yes
Lied?: who hasn't
Fallen for your best friend?: no
Rejected someone?: yes. i do it so badly cause they don't seem to get it
Done something you regret?: yes. but we learn from our mistakes

L A S T P E R S O N
You touched: finn
Hugged: ash
You IMed: joy
You yelled at: lets not talk about it
You kissed: ryan

A R E Y O U
Understanding: i can be
Open-minded: depending on the subject matter
Arrogant: i can be. not a trait i like though
Insecure: with reason
Random: i think azim and shanan will vouch for that
Smart: no, not really
Moody: especially if deprived of food
Organized: of late, no
Healthy: not very
Shy: very
Difficult: possibly
Bored easily: if the subject does not interest me in anyway
Obsessed: with my nephews and my niece
Sad: disappointed more like it
Happy: i try
Hyper: not today
Trusting: hardly ever

W H O D O Y O U W A N N A
Kill?: no one in particular
Slap?: i could think of a few people
Get really wasted with?: nana, its been a while
Get high with: the people i normally get high with. its what i call comfort
Talk to offline: my real life friends, my family and my dog
Talk to online: a lot of people
Sex it up with: right now, no one, thanks though

R A N D O M
In the morning I: one of my eyes open before the other
I dream about: the beach
Sexual preference: men seeing as i am straight
What do you notice first in the opposite sex you're into: eyes

W H I C H I S B E T T E R
Coke or Pepsi: coke
Flowers or candy: candy
Tall or short: taller

W H O
Makes you laugh the most: the idiots i hang out with
Makes you smile: my nephews
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: people i either loathe, fear or i extremely like

D O Y O U E V E R
Sit on the Internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: not exactly
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: nope, i don't really like the idea of an extra piece of flesh between my legs.
Wish you were younger: sure

N U M B E R
Of times I have had my heart broken: a couple
Of hearts I have broken: a couple
Of guys I've kissed: i don't kiss and tell
Of girls I've kissed: one
Of CD's I own: i use to have shared rights to tonnes but now not many
Of scars on my body: a few and some even self inflicted

k a r m a l i c i o u s

2008-05-27T17:00:00.002+08:00

i wish they made a manual on life. how to deal with the things that come our way so we never regret the things we've done or about to do... but they didn't... so we're left with the reality of living our lives the best way we know how. i wish some times there was such as thing as perfection. because i would love to be perfect, i mean who wouldn't? but with all the things i wish for i know that i am who i am, flawed and all and i accept the fact that i am such, i am trying to better myself, doesn't always happen over night but i am sure will.

i feel like i have been pushed up against the wall. all odds against me. is this what they call karma?

my current lust

2008-05-25T23:51:00.001+08:00

there is no going back. there is no fixing the broken. there is no saving the lost.

there is only moving forward or staying put.

i choose to move forward. i choose to live with the choices i make. fuck if they're right or if they're wrong. at least they weren't made for me. i can stand up, hope i don't fall over and say "i tried".

my current lust is self satisfaction.

this too shall pass

2008-05-13T11:26:00.001+08:00

newest edition

2008-04-26T11:41:00.001+08:00

B L A C K & W H I T E • the series

2008-04-22T16:22:00.010+08:00

love it seems

2008-04-21T23:50:00.004+08:00

in 3 hours, i would have slept a total of 2 hours in the last 24 hours so please excuse me if this blog makes no sense whatsoever.

i had an amazing long weekend. it was serene. i enjoyed every waking moment of it. but then reality has returned to take my serenity away *lifeless son of a b*tch*. you see i like to put reality aside some times and live for the moment, right or wrong it wouldn't matter... i just do it. because it makes me happy and for that given moment my world is complete. i wonder why life is so complicated. why my world just can't stay complete?

i spoke to my mother over brunch and told her... that i was going to move in with becky at some point and adopt three african kids, she said... well of course she said i was crazy but then she said knowing you, you'd end up alone... *by choice mind you, IF i chose that path*. so i explained to my mother how i resented that statement and that i would rather be alone than be with someone who i pretended to love or vice versa. for once... my mother agreed.

don't get me wrong i love being in love, i mean i LOVE love, i think love is essential in ones life but it must be done with all your heart otherwise it wouldn't be called love, it would be called compassion or something dramatic like that. you know what i mean? i am not jaded when it comes to love, i have found love but some times you can't always get what you want when you want it. some times it comes and smacks you in the ass and you don't even know it, some times it never comes and more often than not it comes a little too late. i did mention i was tired. so please forgive me for the rubbish i am writing, its just that it makes a whole lot of sense to me now.

my eyes are starting to hurt, i was messing about with some photos i'd like to print out for my bedroom wall of fame tomorrow, doing a whole black and white series of some shots i picked out *yes, in this blinking state of mind*...

i have mr brightside by the killers playing in my head...

"now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and its all in my head... but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go, i just can't look its killing me and taking control.... jealousy turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis... but its just a price i pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes... cause i'm mr brightside"

monday, bloody monday!

2008-04-14T15:29:00.001+08:00

to be honest... if i were to post up what i have been writing for the last couple of days this page would be blank. the mind went blank. i had absolutely nothing significant to write about although so many significant things have happened in my life this last couple of days.

ending a relationship after more than four years could possibly be the reason. all the temporary relief i wrote about in my previous blog has dimmed some what. now i am blank again. and work is currently on hold due to the incompetence of the clients and their inability to make decisions without notifying the national guard. i mean seriously, its a bloody commercial for gods sake and not a matter of life and death. a commercial we're going to have to shoot like it or not.

shan and i are heading to the attic this wednesday... apparently we're beginning our journey to being cultured. i need to take photos soon. i have nothing to photograph although last sunday, after mass, i was slightly inspired by an old abandoned building near the dim sum shop we went to. maybe i'll stop by there this weekend. something about the coloured metal barrels really excited me.

i ventured into town on saturday, made an appearance at mansion... i found it to be stack with pretentious wannabes. the sight of them made me think, thank god, i had some form of soul left in me. and then i got wasted. and the rest, i will leave to the paparazzi to publish on facebook because that's what they all do. take nasty pictures under the already bad lighting, while your eyes are half shut, mouth slightly open and you're about to break out into a huge laugh (oh and you didn't have time to suck in the revealing tummy)... i mean think about it. would you like people to post up ugly pictures of you??

i watched a wretched movie last night... a movie about after sex conversations *titled - after sex - surprise surprise)... it was slightly painful but i needed to finish it, i kept thinking... it should get better... i mean really, it could have but it didn't... so i went to bed thinking i should have watched something else instead. i held on to my stones, snuggled under my covers and fell asleep after a couple of minutes. thanks mei for introducing angel casters to me.

i need some sleep.

tired.

brand new morning.

2008-04-09T09:52:00.002+08:00

its funny you think you've got it all figured out then one day you wake up and you don't.
your life changes and there is nothing you can do to stop it. some people say change is good and some people don't. i am finding out.

i was fixing up a table i bought at ikea a couple of days back and i came home after a long day at work today and was all set to fix it. i told myself i had to do this, on my own and i had to do it now, i hadn't even showered yet... and as i was tightening the screws that for some bleeding reason would not go in *damn you ikea!*... i burst into tears. then i realized as much as i NEEDED to get it done, i had no one to help me, no one i could yell out to. i guess you could call me determined, if i want something done, i need it done right away. and the entire day i spent thinking about the table that was still in the box and how i needed to get home to fix it and create my work bench didn't help.

my hands are numb and my fingers are slightly blistered. but i did it. *three cheers for me*

right this very second nothing would be more appropriate than a hug, not one of those weak ones where a person does out of sympathy but more out of care. one that brings tears to your eyes. one that's tight and warm at the same time but as i've mentioned there is no one around. i've looked, believe me. so its left me thinking about how much i hate being alone. its like losing your safety net. if i died in my sleep, no one would know until it was noon tomorrow.

thankfully i have enough work to last me approximately seven years, three months and sixteen days which i find comforting these days because my mind isn't given room to think about anything else. to mark a new beginning in my life of many many chapters, i've redecorated, its still under construction but i am pretty pleased with myself. i got my braces tightened and i made him use pink elastics instead of the normal transparent ones, not for style purposes mind you but because the transparent ones turn colour really fast thanks to excessive smoking. i've got two new handbags, three pairs of shoes and loads of clothes - that was lame. i just went shopping. it was fun.

its late. i need to sleep. its been a while but i think i am back for good now.
love.

T H E L E T T E R

2008-02-28T16:29:00.003+08:00

recently mr x sent me this letter and it made me laugh. long and hard. so i thought i'd post it up and share it with you.names have been altered to protect the images of certain people. LMAO.

2008-02-28T14:39:00.001+08:00

2007-11-18T17:23:00.000+08:00

i wish sometimes i believed in myself.

i wish sometimes he would care a little more.

i wish sometimes things were different.

i wish sometimes i was a complete different person.

i wish sometimes i lived on a beach.

i wish sometimes i had more to me.

i wish sometimes i was sixteen.

i wish sometimes i could make a difference.

i wish sometimes i was a better person.

i wish sometimes i could meet the person with all the answers.

i wish sometimes i knew.

i wish sometimes, all i wish for comes true.

everybody say hello to finn

2007-11-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

hen night #3

2007-11-01T23:27:00.001+08:00

you can view the rest of the photos on little miss mei, mr wanna or disco pixie ball's blogs.... they were super hot... thanks guys for a great night. take care joy... and skype me anytime. lots of love.

mood for the day

2007-11-01T21:09:00.000+08:00

nude shots?

2007-10-31T20:07:00.000+08:00

i did my second photo shoot yesterday. ha ha ha.... who'd have thought i'd begin my modelling career at 30 *like the words of miss gopalan*.... what a friggin' joke. but i have progressed from cafe/street modelling to stripping down to my thong (mind you not on the street but in a spa), without any hesitance, apparently i was very professional... well i believe it had a lot to do with the fact that the room was dark, becky was in there with me and he was a damn good photographer - using a single flash (i conveniently left out the double shot of vodka and white sangria i had moments before). at first i was really worried about the shots looking pornographic but when i saw the shots later.... oh my god. they were amazing... well i hated seeing me in them but the lighting and the tones were fantastic. i have more sessions coming up, one is this thursday and another on saturday , i am his muse. and i do not mind because he's going to train me to be a photographer - without the pressure plus i get credits at la bodega and all their other outlets. and i may even get to go with him to the jungle to shoot the tigers. *super super excited*... when i get my photos, the ones he took of me, i shall share them with you. and when i do get to take some photos with his amazing cameras, i'll share them with you too.

okay so an update on my film... i need support. i need funding. sigh. i thought i had it covered but i don't. i have 2 cans of film. i need 5 more. anyone willing to steal film for me or donate some.... all are welcome. hahahahaaa....

i need to head home soon and i need a nap. need to get doll up for tonight. got a BIG party to go to. god knows how many people will be there but its my party and i'll go if i want to/cry if i want to/barf if i want to/leave if i want to/scream obscenities if i want to/etc etc etc.

and i am bringing my own camera cause i never get the damn photo's anyways. bloody hell.

with much love. here's hoping next weeks better than this.

a b s i n t h e

2007-10-29T13:21:00.000+08:00

this has been a week of great disappointment for me.
i've been tried and tested to a point where my sanity is at stake. and i am seriously losing it. i feel very alone and insecure. i can't quite say why. but i am. but that's the one thing my father prepared me for, disappointment. so i know, this too shall pass. and i need to hold my head above water until the moment passes me.
last night i ran into this guy i met at la bodega a couple of years back, jothi, he's a photographer by profession and for pleasure he prepares tigers for the wildlife. he resides in france but is malaysian so he comes back every now and then... i was meddling with my ipod and he asked me if he could have a look at it. he scrolled through my photos and said, you should seriously consider focusing on photography cause you have a queer eye. a queer eye... hahahaaa, i always knew i was strange... then he cons us into a photo shoot for la bodega/illy coffee.... hahahaa.... another cafe/bar shoot. sigh. hopefully we get more than a bottle of vodka this time. so last night my day got better. and i am now going to divert all my attention towards my short film. and shoot it like i dreamed of shooting it. i need this to be good. because it would make my world seem brighter. and bring my dreams a little closer.

oh and by the way... absinthe is the world worst drink. its no wonder its banned in most parts of the world. i will never ever consume that vicious drink ever again. it makes people crazy. and i mean serious mental crazy and some people horny staircase like. so.... go figure.

bad week.
love nonetheless.

t h i n k i n g

2007-10-23T17:40:00.000+08:00

our little adventure

2007-10-22T00:58:00.000+08:00

it's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be - paul arden.
i recommend you read it, even if you're not in the production/advertising line. its really great. i bought the book for becky, a dear friend of mine, who then lent it to me because clearly i haven't read it. and its made me see things a little differently.

recently the both of us have been working on a little project i've come up with, shooting my first short film (yes, i am going to attempt to shoot my own film - short one mind you but i am going to shoot it) i am nervous yet very excited. i'll be honest, its not a great story but i am hoping the visuals will be. oh well, its worth a shot.

i haven't failed, i've had 10,000 ideas that didn't work - benjamin franklin.

so back to my little story, we've been hanging out in changkat bukit bintang, where all the nice quaint restaurants are, eating nice food, meeting soulful people and expanding our horizons. we've managed to open new doors and unlock old ones... its been an interesting adventure. we've indulged in all kinds of culinary delights and its been really interesting trying and tasting new things. we've walked up and down that street till our feet ached, lugging my lap top, camera and dvd camera - plus our over weight handbags. i really am starting to wonder why i carry so much shit. but all in all, it was worth it. people we met offered a lot of help. strangers some. but that's not the point. i am starting to feel so much better than i did before.

besides that, i have a bigger plan. this one, i can't share so soon. i am afraid i may jinx it but all i can say is i am two steps further.

much love, enjoy the photos.

my dreams.

2007-10-14T18:10:00.000+08:00

i have a dream. and when i am ready, i will share it.

the walk

2007-10-13T12:55:00.000+08:00

We open on a pair of feet with black bands tied on one ankle and a tattoo on the other, we know from the surrounding he’s is in a hotel room or a backpacker lodge, we see him sliding on a pair of worn denim jeans, we follow his feet, he drops an old boarding pass or a bus ticket *I like the idea that it could look like a ticket stub* chucks in on the table … walks towards the door *I am hoping to find something rustic or old looking with loads of character (as you will see in my lighting reference at the bottom* he then puts on a pair of used blue/green *can’t decide* converse shoes, walks out, we come around the feet from inside the room so we are now outside looking towards the door, he shuts and locks it *maybe go a little higher so we see the key is attached to one of those hotel type keys with a room number on it* then runs down the stairs… we follow him down the street, we see traffic, different buildings, colours, paper flying, garbage cans, post box, hydrants etc… he walks into a puddle of murky water… swears… everything is muffled.

He gets to a crossing, we see people standing next to him waiting to cross over to the other side, you see him shifting from one foot to another, sensing some kind of urgency, he crosses, pauses cause he’s run into someone he obviously knows who was coming from the other side, camera does a slight spin around that to reveal a woman in fishnet stockings and open toed heels, some goth chick… he stops and has a brief conversation, hugs her … and continues to walk… gets to the other side… walks a little further… gives money to a street beggar/street musician… comes to the front of a brightly coloured shop… the shutters are down, he stops abruptly, somewhat disappointed… has a bit of a fidget moment… he turns away and walks to a café/coffee next to it or across from it… he sits, orders a drink of some sort or something, he lights a cigarette, we hear foreign music in the background… feet tapping, uses a napkin to wipe his shoes… we hear shutters open… he calls for the check, steps on his cigarette… drops change on the table, on coin rolls off the table.

He runs back to the shop… we see another pair of feet, from her shoes, she looks like a transvestite still standing in front of the shop, clearly she/he’s the owner, he walks in the shop, you sort of make out he’s leaning over and reaching out for some things, he pays for it and then he walks out of the shop, immediately hailing a cab *one of those old taxi cabs* and gets in … we’re in the cab now with him, , puts the flowers down on the seat/or not, he’s holding a piece of paper, an address scribbled on it with eyeliner, he rubs his hands together, we know he’s nervous, he shifts uncomfortably… cab stops, he gets out… passes money to driver, gets his change. Thanks the driver.

We see him approach a house… we see his point of view from behind him… we see two pairs of feet… one in hot slinky heels… another in beige sport shoes… we see them close, facing each other, probably embracing.. a lose bunch of deep red roses drop by his side… they walk towards a car, we hear laughter, a certain sense of contentment, they get in and drive away… we pull out to reveal that he wasn’t a he after all… we see her, she’s an amazingly beautiful with strong character, standing there, tears streaming down her eyes, mascara running, smudged lipstick, we see the emptiness in her. We feel her (I have no idea how I am going to shoot this)… Everything around her moves, cars drive by, people walking dogs, a man collects his mail etc (time lapse) but she stands still… broken.

the end.

s u b s t a n c e

2007-10-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

i will say this week has been a little crazy, i have been living a little too much, dreaming in huge doses and plotting in small. i am in need of change and so far i have had my hair cut different, coloured and treated (something i never do). i have new sheets and curtains (that i am delirious about cause they thick and they block out all the sunshine in morning, allowing me to sleep in on weekend, okay okay, on weekdays too, which can be bad but i haven't been in trouble yet)... i am also working on a couple of things which at this point are the highlight of my month or year even (seeing as i am only getting married next year... haha)... i have a scriptwriter, i have a producer, i have a sound guy, i have ANNE FOENANDER as my editor, i have funding, i have a team... and above i have that dream which i intend to make happen this time. no more procrastinating for me.

i started watching films again... last night i watched broken english, i loved the grade. story line was okay, pretty cute of a romantic comedy with a twist of humour, dialogue was interesting. i need to make my way to the nearest dvd shop and get more films with substance. cultured it seems. hahahaha... got a birthday dinner to go to, am a little reluctant cause i really should be working on some stuff but i am gonna go cause its a reason to have a drink or three.

am listening to U2's - all i want is you... pretty intense for a fresh and light day. which reminds me, my car is due for service. i am gonna get that done first thing tomorrow morning. oh and because i am so random - there are a pair of shoes i can't seem to take my mind off... bloody nine west, why'd you have to come to malaysia?? and empty my pockets... oh what the heck am i talking about. i went all the way to taiwan and went to a nine west store. if it didn't come to me, i would have gone to it. damn you shoes, together with the wretched 7 11.

okay i am going to take shan to have a quiet little drink somewhere nice.

as requested THANK YOU SHAN FOR YOUR AMAZING PHOTOGRAPY.

it is i

2007-10-02T17:17:00.000+08:00

courtesy of miss kennedy.

t a i p e i

2007-09-25T20:18:00.000+08:00

taipei was interesting, the food was great and the people... we're some what friendly but having said that, the production team was amazing... i have to say one thing though... that its not tourist friendly, almost everybody didn't speak english and all the menu's and other important instructions we're in chinese. okay for me, the menu's were a big thing. i needed to eat, with or without a translator *shan - who mind you couldn't bloody read chinese. but i swear i shopped till my arms almost fell off. i shopped and shopped and i came home and shopped some more. don't ask why. cause i don't know. now i am in the edit suite, been editing for days and we're still editing... i mean does it ever stop. ever? the cuts looking good but of course the client didn't show for presentation (surprise surprise)... damn you 7 11. and he's definitely not a people too becky!! sigh. oh well we're looking to present tomorrow morning, you want my opinion, he won't show either. and we'll be forced to go into telecine followed by weeks of the online and then he'll say he doesn't like the opening, the bit in 13th second and the part where lee hom says "the power is in your hands"... and we'll be back in the edit suite. triple sigh. i am gonna go grab a beer at friday's due to a severe headache. excuses excuses. well i would go home and celebrate the mid summer autumn thing but i need to get a moon cake, a lantern and make some tea... oh and i also need someone to talk about the good old days. so friday's is a much easier option. i have loads to blog about, i just need to figure out where to begin.

e x p r e s s i o n s

2007-09-01T15:47:00.000+08:00

o the joys of being in the office on a weekend... results to subtle cam whoring. okay not subtle.. just cam whoring. i am lost for words for the time being. my mind is on vacation mode. will blog properly as soon as i can.

episode one - team bride

2007-09-01T00:14:00.000+08:00

a little delayed la this post but i only just got the photos...

my very own first hen night... the girls were great, i had an amazing night, one i'll never forget... i loved how it brought back old memories and created new ones. i love how the good old days blended so comfortably with the new ones... i love how we laughed out loud and we danced like no one was watching... it was good to be amongst friends with good vibes and those who care.
i have 11 more nights to go... (i've been promised 12 hen nights in total... i am throwing the 7th one...) i am excited.

love.

to gwen or not the gwen

2007-08-20T19:14:00.000+08:00

to gwen or not to gwen.

we have tickets but we're working. got a pre production meeting with the client on wednesday and the gigs on tuesday. ash seems to think it'll end early so i should go and not miss it. i really shouldn't play on a school night. and its not like i am a huge fan of hers... sigh. but i want to go for the company, haven't seen azilea in such a long time and hal too.

i suppose to gwen it is.

hopefully we finish all the booklets and boards before that.

blinkin' indecisive gemini.

o possible dreams of kudeta are emerging again. here's to hope. i love bali. and i can only imagine this is the perfect place for us to get cuffed. and have you seen the oberoi... which is next to it... the private villas... one can dream.

need to drive some place to get some food. or i am going to hurt somebody.

w i s h l i s t

2007-08-20T18:14:00.000+08:00

ten things that would make me happy right now *inspired by mr wanna the two dolla hooka!

in no particular order.

1. the camera
i really, really want... with the 18 -200mm lens also can...

2. the wedding location
ku de ta, bali... perfect, just perfect.

3. the bag
the fendi squirrel denim spy bag.

4. the car
would you mind?

5. the perfect vacation
santorini...

6. the chandelier
for the new place *which should be on this wishlist, but isn't. i figure get the chandelier and worry about where to fix it later.

7. the phone
thanks baby!

8. the dress
i have looked and looked and this is the only one i like.

9. the dog
anyone know if there are any for sale?

10. and finally, the fella...
i mean, who could ask for more?

>:(

2007-08-17T05:53:00.000+08:00

f*ck booklets and boards! save the trees!! how's that for friggin' revolution?
oh and screw casting tapes! they make us work all night! plus they've seen the same bloody faces in every other presentation... just remember them, make mental notes!

sorry my eyeballs feel like they are really to leap right out of their sockets.
my face looks like i have just seen death.
and i cannot comprehend a word i am writing or saying. let alone thinking.

time • 5:48
location • the blinkin' office
mood • frustrated

bleep this industry.

b a g l a d y

2007-08-15T16:41:00.000+08:00

i made a purchase, under the influence of little miss mei... i went and did it again... bought a anya hindmarch bag on ebay... and i swear i shouldn't have. but i did. and it felt really good (also because its the first time i ever won a bid, normally i just look for the buy it now items, i hate the idea of losing a bid or losing anything for that matter)... i mean... according to mei its 'THE' bag, to ash, its yet another bag... to me its a bag (yay)!!! i have an addiction (see, i am not afraid to admit it) and unless there is some kind of rehab for serial shoppers i am doomed. either doomed or i need more closet spaces. speaking of closet space, we were looking at buying new built ins but now with the new place plans... i think its on hold... we need to save up for that, the wedding and the rest of our lives.. oh boy...

and to be honest i have so much work to do, schedules after schedules, quotes after quotes, budgets, coffee and more budgets.... sigh... i wish we were making our bangkok trip, sadly we can't... sob sob... i would have indulged in more shopping if we were. more sobs. and stayed at the davis. sobbing continues. oh well thankfully one job is sending me to taiwan for under a week, not that i know a thing about the place or what it has to offer but its another stamp on my passport, that's how i look at it and its a chance to explore some place new. and i will be going with my little helper... he speaks the lingo and he'll be able to save me from agreeing to eat lizards toes or any other kind tragedies i might get myself into.

i am so happy i bought a bag.

?

2007-08-11T22:13:00.001+08:00

i am having issues posting up photos... they change as soon as they are upload... anyone know why?? so sad... sob sob.

2007-08-03T15:47:00.000+08:00

i am back.

i have seriously stopped flickr'ing, blogging or doing the things i love... which is sad, i know but i am not in control of these things... i have however *drum roll* begun to workout... 34 sit ups a day (lame i know but its a start and apparently i haven't been doing it right)... i mean lets face it, the idea of signing up with a gym is great but i'll never get around to it. i am not too sure what it is but whenever i drive past one of those big gyms with the huge glass windows and see all these people working out, i think of lab rats. other than that little progress in my minuscule life, i have come up with a look (not a theme, a look), ideas for a location, a rough head count, a dress (i think i found it *wink*) and all the rest... *an attack of butterflies in my stomach just happened*... seriously who'd have thought... me? married? to be honest, i am scared f*cking sh*tless but at the same time excited. going to sit down with bex this weekend and lock down a couple of things... i need someone to keep me in check so i hired bex, she's good like that (the kind of producer with a whip in one hand and a killer stare). i didn't want a wedding planner cause i am anal (yes mr wanna, chief of the faggotary department, i am not afraid to admit to it - he got me a book about being anal for my birthday... just so you know)... so now all the burden is on me... i am my own planner, people have warned me against it but i am adamant about doing it... (besides being anal, i am extremely stubborn), of course the friends are helping (not sure if they know it yet)... p.s. shan, you're hired!!

the idea is simple, to me its perfect, well maybe not pppperffeeccct but i like the overall feel, still needs a couple of tweaks here and there but its almost there... its begins with a combination of cultures... i like things crossed... dark stone buddha carvings, full, mid, heads... i am thinking rich red drapes or even sari material... a square vase with a single fighting fish on each cocktail table... tall clear vases with cinnamon sticks on the floors, exotic flowers... a classical indian deep coloured beads hanging from nearby trees entwined with thick deep red ribbons..... clear bubble bottles for the kids and sandcastle making buckets all packed in red sheer fabric.... incense sticks, oil burners, red, black and white scented candles (the colours may differ in a couple of months with me being a gemini and all)... white table settings with touches of red and black (i.e. black candles, red napkin holders).. i'd prefer heavy cutlery (oh god i am soooo anal)... an iron wrought chandelier somewhere in the middle. red lanterns (not the plastic ones but the ones made out of husk) along the beach or near the cocktail bar... big green leaves. a fusion food spread.

my thoughts are in intervals so excuse how they come about....

things i am super clueless about - the perfect venue, wedding favors, invites (i have an idea but i am not sure... doubts. i hate doubts)... but i will be back to update you with more thoughts...

love.

overjoyed

2007-07-12T01:43:00.000+08:00

so the plan...

to watch chick flicks...

was super hard for me seeing as both the dvd's i purchased from this wretched man in ss2... decided to stop playing approximately 56 minutes into the film.

**how does happy go again?**

i think my "mr downer" is seriously trying to get rid of my "mr upper"

more then one bowl for sure

2007-07-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

so i am sitting at my table... wondering is there is any way i could grow wings, shrink and fly out through the window without anyone knowing. not ugly wings but super cool ones with sparkles... so i leave a trail of stardust or some thing when i make my journey... *phoo just summoned me to the dungeon and killed my bubble.. stabbed it repeatedly and yanked all the stardust out of it... so i am bubbleless without any sparkles and no friggin' wings...

**commercial break (mind you this also consist of me doing my nails, getting a foot massage and having dinner with ash)

okay, i am fed. stuffed to be precise. i feel slightly fuller around the waist region. i really should work on that. to be honest its outta control... i seriously think some kinda exercise regime is in order. i know why he calls me a jellybean, cause i am SERIOUSLY looking like one... i drove pass the gym on the way home... i swore i thought about pulling over and signing up... and... well... like i said, i THOUGHT.

**happy thoughts, happy thoughts... or people are going to think you're depressed again... and label you like they did nirvana at one point...

i am going to watch mindless girlie shows. because i really need some joy in my life right now.

an explanation.

2007-07-11T01:44:00.000+08:00

apparently i blog depressed.

so i am here to rid myself of that reputation.

i am generally happy... not that i have rainbows beaming out of my ass but i am happy.
i write about the things that trouble my little head cause its sort of like a cure. its where i vent. i could keep it all in and end up like some psychopath wearing her underwear on the outside, collecting cigarette butts off the road and shoving them into a past overdue milk carton and consuming it while carrying a rubber ducky and barking at random people at a bus stop. but i thought i'd spare myself the shame and blog.

the week has been... somewhat different... my thoughts are a little scattered... i am thinking of a change of scenery, maybe new paint for the walls, new hair cut even, maybe get back into freelancing or doing absolutely nothing for a while, enjoy the great indoors... then the adult in me slaps me across the back of my head... and reality kicks in... i see a big flashing sign... it says "COMMITMENTS"... i hate being an adult and i sure as hell hate commitments. (i can see myself on our old hammock, i am approximately four and i have a white frilly gypsy top on with denim bell bottoms and mary jane's... my eyes hurt from the sunshine.. i loved it there)... we're all allowed to dream.

its late, i need to resume to slavery at first light... i am all tucked under the duvet... pillows well adjusted, now all i need to do is put you to sleep.

goodnight.

as tagged by miss disco pixie ball

2007-06-27T11:00:00.000+08:00

Useless Information

1. Your gender: female.
2. Are you liking someone: i love someone.
3. Are you hungry: always.
4. Are you bored: undeniably.
5. Your birthday: may 30th.
6. Age you wish you were: possibly 18 (being the legal age to drink).
7. The color of your hair: horrendous brown.
8. Color you wish your hair was: jet black.
9. The color of your eyes: brown.
10. Got any piercing: ear, nose (which seems to have disappeared) and my navel.
11. Want anything pierced: not exactly.
12. Tattoos: ten up to date.
13. Who do you like: people with interesting stories.

. :HAVE YOU :.

15. Read the newspaper: not exactly.
16. Get told you're on crack: sometimes.
17. Talk to strangers: if they're interesting enough.
18. Take walks in the rain: only with zu.
19. Drive: everyday.
20. Like to drive: love it.
21. Been out of the country: yes.
22. Been in love: i am in love.
23. Regret it: no.
24. Gone skinny dipping: kinda. lol.
25. Had a surgery: no, touch wood.
26. Ran away from home: yes. a couple of times when i was young, naive and idiotic.
27. Played strip poker: nope.
28. Been loved: every single day.
29. Been on stage: yes. i didn't like it.
30. Slept outdoors: yes.
31. Made a Prank phone call: yes.
32. Pulled an all-nighter: more than an all nighter.
33. Sleep Walked: not that i am aware of.
34. Sleep Talked: i've been told.
35. Cried yourself to sleep: i am a girl.
36. Slept all day: no.
37. Killed someone: not as of yet.
38. Made out with a stranger: not exactly.
39. Had sex with a stranger: no.
40. Kissed someone: yes.
41. Regret it: some.
42. Been betrayed: yes. but i've done my share too. karma exist and its universal pain.
43. Broken the law: of course.
44. Met a famous person: yes.
45. Been on radio-tv: yes.
46. Been in a mosh-pit: i hate sweaty strangers.
47. Had a nervous breakdown: kinda. yes.
48. Danced naked: in the bathroom.
49. Repeated Dream: at one point.
50. Shoe brand you prefer: i like slippers. however current favourites are my brown mary jane's from clark's.
51. Wear hats: no.
52. Judge people: unintentionally.
53. Listening To: bert and jenn discussing their opinions on the human liver.
54. Own 10 pairs of shoes: a whole lot more.
55. Favorite place to shop: grocery stores, malls, kuta and bangkok night markets.
56. Comfortable clothing: always. plus i am a tank top and jeans kinda girl.
57. What's your style: i am an individualist.

. :BELIEVE IN:.

58. Miracles: most definitely.
59. Angels: yes. i have a few down here with me.
60. Magic: yes.
61. Ghost: yes.
62. Shirt: huh? what's there to believe in...
63. Birth: yes, i am living proof.
64. Easter Bunny: not really.
65. Cupid: i am optimistic.
66. Sex before marriage: even if i didn't, there ain't nothing i can do about it now.
67. The death penalty: no. even if they deserved it, death is too easy a penalty.

. :RANDOM:.

68. Best friends: i have a whole bunch of them.
69. Everyone lies : i suppose so.
70. Ying and Yang: a balance.
71. Love at first sight: i guess.
72. Remember your first love: yes.
73. What do you find romantic: doing things out of love for another.
74. Do you look at looks alone: nope. i prefer the mind.
75. Flirt to get for attention: no.
76. Time goes by too fast: only when you're having fun or on a production.
77. Like someone: i love someone.

. :LAST PERSON :.

78. That you laughed at: shanan.
79. That laughed at you: mel and nana.
80. Person that made you smile:
81. You went shopping with: i think it was ashley and joey.
82. To disappoint you: a couple of people, in no particular order.
83. Last time you took shower: a couple of hours ago.
84. To brighten up your day: ryan (my lil nephew) on our lil road trip this morning.
85. Person you kissed: ash.
86. You Dumped : -
87. Food you ate: rice milano double chocolate biscuits.
88. Talked to through IM: felene, my new found adik from belize.
89. You Hugged: ryan.
90. You texted: meredith.
91. You were in love with: harry.
92. You Fought: an argument more like it.

. :FAVORITE:.

93. Food: i love anything spicy.
94. Girl: i have a few favourite girls. shan included.
95. Boy: ash, shanan, brian, my dad, my two brothers, my nephews...
96. Park: hyde park, sydney...
97. Sport: football.
98. Position: on top. lol.
99. Pet: dogs.
100.Favorite Quote?: life's a bitch, deal with it.

As tagged by Mr Wanna

2007-06-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been searched by the cops?
more than once. and i was innocent i tell ya.

Do you have any weird sleeping habits?
well i am a light sleeper and i take hours to fall asleep. and all it takes is for some one to turn on the lights or make some noise and i am up again repeating step one.

When is the last time you've been swimming in a lake?
i don't do lakes. i dislike not being able to see what i am swimming with.

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or by yourself?
i'd rather sleep with ash.

When was the last time you went to the beach?
a couple of weekends ago.

Do you consider yourself creative?
i should think so. i just don't work hard enough.

Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
who cares. like shan said the poor soul has been dead for a while now, can the world just leave her alone.

Are you happy with your given name?
i don't care much for it.

Do you stay friends with your exes?
course i do. well, except some of the assholes i have dated. and i have had a few of that.

Do you know how to play poker?
yes. watching ash play it in real and on the PS has made me understand the game.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
yes.

What's your favorite commercial?
a commercial i produced, shot by adrian tang for tourism malaysia...

What snack do you eat the most?
chocolates and tortilla chips with salsa.

Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
i've had a lot of those. LOL... can't pick a favourite. and hello not all of them were sexual

Have you ever had a Choco Taco?
nope. but if its a chocolate taco... i think i'd pass.

Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
boston red sox. only cause i have a tee shirt.

How often do you remember your dreams?
more often than not.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
i think in perhentian and i think it had something to do with shanan. LOL.

Can you name 5 songs by N'SYNC?
god no.

What's the one thing on your mind now?
our theme. any ideas?

my little helper!

2007-06-22T02:56:00.000+08:00

ideally i would like to be on a beach (yes, again), some where quiet, soft white sand between my toes, a comfortable deck chair carefully placed under some shade with a flat stomach, a great ass and c cupped boobs. but currently i am in a room... a small room they designated me to with a window (yes, i have window...) without a view. the only thing visible is my car which i park right outside. its sorta symbolic... see if everything fails, i can pack up and leave in it. the little things that i find joy in.

*time to resume work.

*6 hours later

i got off work close to two in the morning... i had reached the point of insanity... wearing my pink tiara and waving my wand (whilst doing the butt dance) hoping my guardian angel would come and save me but she never came... sigh.
i have a million and one things to go do tomorrow... prep for the pre production meeting, hopefully catch felene for lunch, two meetings in town (one right after the other), a present to buy, cupcakes to collect and a party to go to... i feel drained just thinking about it. shooting this weekend. yuck.

*a smoke break

i feel exhausted from the day but i can't seem to sleep. why is that? o crap.... its the all that damn coffee i drank. fish cakes. i am like on some kind of muted speed... one where the minds racing, hearts pounding but the ass is lazing.... oh my dreams of a flat stomach ain't happening anytime soon that's for sure.

a valium. i could use one.

*rummaging through drawers.... found one. is says ash on the prescription bag (from when he sprained his leg)... oh thank god. not him spraining his leg but the valium... hmm...

goodnight.

• • •

2007-06-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

notification

2007-06-14T00:15:00.000+08:00

i'll be back with some photos and stories soon enough.
thanks mei for the supa dupa fonts. love ya.

this too shall pass

2007-06-11T12:29:00.000+08:00

should have, could have but you didn't.

2007-06-10T21:52:00.000+08:00

disappointment tends to find people at every other corner, be it big or small... its disappointment nonetheless. frankly i hate disappointment, even the idea of it makes me wanna dig a hole into the ground and bury myself. i hate the feeling, i hate feeling like everything around you is crashing. i feel some what like that and no i do not feel like feeding you with the all the juicy details, its not entertainment. seriously. it really does hurt and it really does feel like someone has stabbed a huge piece of glass into you back and twisted it. oh why didn't i find my hole? the uv nation thing didn't go as planned, we drove there and before we could even park, ash and vijen decided we should leave, they had gone in earlier and they said it was complete rubbish, i knew from the name "uv nation"... nothing good could come out from it. apparently there were people smearing each other with glow in the dark paint... but hheeelloooo it was in a blinking carpark for god sakes... when we did our drive by people were walking in with glow sticks... its a good thing we found out before we got in. otherwise i would have just died. then again seeing as today went terribly wrong... i should have gone in and died... okay maybe not death but close to it... so today would not have happened.
why do i bother.

something i found...

2007-06-10T18:55:00.001+08:00

starlight

2007-06-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

i have managed to get my hands on the second part of season one for both lost and heroes!!! thank you o lord of the pirated dvd's supreme... you're much appreciated in this current state i am in, which, if you couldn't already tell is complete and utter boredom, i swear i am almost suicidal at work, boredom really does kill. we're quoting for two spots, one teeny weeny one and another that isn't so brutal... but who cares. it means booklets, meetings, schedules, budgets and all that horrendous work, not to mention the super late nights.... o how i look forward to them. now the moment i walk in the office, i swear all i want to do is walk right back out and get back into my car and head home and crawl back into bed. i mean there is only so many photos i can look at on flickr... then i resort to chatting, quizzes, music downloads etc etc... and i can't handle a lot of that.

there is this thing happening at bandar utama, uv nation or something like that... to my understanding the age group would be from seventeen till about twenty seven... so i, unfortunately do not fall in that category, i fall slightly further up on your right... but i have a pass and i do intend on using it but i've already braced myself for the possibilities of me leaving before the clock strikes eleven and heading to some bar with a band, regretting even trying. but you never know. it could be fun... (highly unlikely), i could meet some old friends (their kids more like it), enjoy the tunes (or go deaf from it being too loud).... oh well i'll blog about it tomorrow and you be the judge of my adventure. i do plan on bringing my camera to take photo's of strangers, it'll keep me from getting into trouble.

i am actually tired and it think i am done blogging for today.

mcdreamin'

2007-06-06T15:19:00.000+08:00

i believe if you're capable of amicable communication, even if you can't walk the walk... you'll get by. well of course during the conversation you must never flinch, have clammy hands, perspire uncontrollably or indicate that you're full of shit and they're stupid for believing you.... always allowing the client (for example) to believe that he came up with the idea you shoved into his head... is genius. compliments work too, well in small doses, nobody wants a brown noser stuck up their asses and frankly if he/she was big, it would hurt. i need to work on my communication skills.

its only wednesday and already i am dying for the weekend to come. we have watched the entire first, second and THIRD season of grey's anatomy and now we are left with waiting till september for it to be released in the states. sigh... i am hooked. it does seem like a long time from now so excuse me if i am a little bothered.

i need help. i need a dvd to watch, here, now... at the office.

no volcano...

2007-06-04T14:47:00.000+08:00

okay... so the volcano never happened.... but i managed to change the sheets and clean out the closet. we got rid of all the clothes we can't get into, won't get into and will never want to get into. LOL... and we did a grey's marathon, we have one more disc to go and we're done with season three... there goes our excitement. i need to go get heroes... and lost season three... and entourage... or i swear i am going to go insane.

there are people working all around me.. in my workplace but i am not on any of the jobs... its making me feel so useless. i am thinking about freelancing again but i can't... i am worried that payments will lag and i won't be able to pay for my house, car and other friggin' bills that have been pilling up... i should take up the other offer. i really should. i mean at least there, it'll be real. transparent. i have a spine and i won't bend to make someone happy for the sake of making them happy... i do it cause its the right thing to do.... i won't otherwise and that's where my problem is. i have realized that in this industry if you do not kill or back stab, you'll take a lot longer to get there. but you will get there. and when you do... you can at least be proud of how you go there and not hide in some dark corner hoping no one ever finds out. i need to be patient and not give up/in just yet. but it all seem so far from where i am... so fucking far.

venting again. yes. i know. i have a tattoo date with eddy on the 8th... i am looking forward to that. but i am also going to perhentian on the 15th so maybe i should reschedule... but if i did... i would probably never get another appointment with eddy... it is time to finish what i started. indecision, indecision. i want to go home, work sucks and i hate it here. i hate being left in some corner. its not fun.

where is my volcano?

2007-06-02T21:05:00.000+08:00

it could possibly be one of those days where it is suicidally boring. its beyond boring. its as if you're hoping for some kind of volcano to erupt so there is at least some form of chaos and madness that will get my ass up and moving. its is 9.07pm and i am still in my jammies, no i haven't had a shower but i did brush my teeth twice. there is a suggestion to go to J&R but by the time we get there it be shut. i live on pluto.

i think we should go out but frankly there no place i'd rather be in unless of course i could go to luna bar in my pj's... well... i could do with a view and a masseuse to fix this ache i feel in my neck and back. debbie would be brilliant. sigh, i miss bali. i wish we were back to living there, the life there was real. it was that. we didn't need a lot of anything. we just needed the basics. but i am game for any place with a beach. a nice beach. okay so the beach in bali wasn't great but i love it there. i am dying slowly and painfully from boredom. ash is busy with his virtual poker as per usual and i am as per usual on the internet, wondering if that volcano will ever erupt. yes i know we have no volcanos here, i am not dunce.

help me out of this hole i have clearly sunken into.

pink and friggin' fury

2007-06-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

the need to define friendship only arises when you're about to lose one... i consider myself a pretty good friend. i make effort for the people i care about and i care unconditionally. i dislike liars, i dislike hypocrisy, i dislike back stabbers, i dislike fakers, i dislike being unappreciated, i dislike broken promises, i dislike pretentious words, gestures and intentions. and so on and so forth as i suppose everyone else does. i dislike when people do the same to the people i care about.

i believe in supporting friends... helping them out. even though you may be competing for the same thing (i never said man/woman... i said thing)... because as friends... you want everyone to succeed, there is no need for rivalry, envy or jealousy... just the mere need to help each other when we need it. or am i stuck on some pink furry planet where i think there is still some goodness in the world? amongst friends and family at least!? come on... there has to be...

some friends we see almost every other day, some we see whenever we can, some we never see but will always care for... some best friends, some good friends, some just friends... but friends nonetheless, cause if they weren't friends you'd classify them under acquaintances wouldn't you? friends don't kill other friends.. i do not mean that literally... be it for the better job offer or the last pairs of blahnik's on the shelf. friends are meant to be supportive, right? i keep looking on the ground to see if its pink and fury, just so you know...

my boyfriend/fiance and his partner have bought franchise to don't panic (www.dontpaniconline.com)... basically what they do is some what like juice only its full of flyers and promotional items (cd's, bookmarks etc etc)... and they're packed in this amazing folder type thing... well it came in envelopes initially but now its on a folder type thing... (okay i promise if i get this wrong... i will correct myself)... and i have a certain friend who could possibly contribute a good (i said good and not great because that's really what it is) deal to this BUT WONT because she seems to think she is better than a certain person and hates him because he's doing a little better than she is, who is a friend and is currently subscribing to their services which is completely and utterly stupid and childish. i am ashamed that i consider her a friend. its embarrassing. and to think i supported her, i got a lot of my friends to support her... sadly, it wasn't the same when i needed the support for my mister. not that i should expect anything in return but it would be nice to know that you can count on the people that count on you. nope the floor ain't pink nor is it fury.

the fantastic four

2007-06-01T17:32:00.000+08:00

i am extremely bored

4 Jobs I've had in my life
1. shop owner
2. production assistant
3. line producer
4. producer

4 Movies I can watch over and over again
1. amelie
2. secondhand lions
3. cinema paradiso
4. city of gods

4 Places I've been on Vacation
1. sydney
2. bali
3. india
4. auckland

4 Of my Favorite Dishes
1. tom yam
2. thai beef salad
3. grilled fish
4. my mom's laksa

4 Places I would like to Visit
1. fiji
2. greece
3. spain
4. maldives

4 Most overused Words
1. really
2. fuck
3. seriously
4. and then

4 TV Shows I love to Watch
1. grey's anatomy
2. heroes
3. lost
4. entourage

4 Bloggers I am Tagging
1. mr wanna
2. muffin
3. rewan ishak
4. happycampers7

thirty and two days

2007-06-01T11:49:00.000+08:00

so i turned. and frankly there was nothing to it. it was a great party with a wicked rendition of a cake. and i had fun, well from what i remember... which was most of it by the way. i advise those celebrating their birthdays to not consume copious amounts of alcohol, especially an insane mixture. stick to one poison and do not, I REPEAT do not chug it. i'd like to thank the people that help make it happen... siswanto for the location and for keeping it opened till 4am... meredith for the cupcakes and jessica for transporting them... nana, bex and mel for helping with balloons, all 30 of them... all of which was released at midnight into the dark sky with a single wish attached to each one... aaron for the alcohol contribution, syarina, halina and azelia for showing up at the eleventh hour, my dear cousin shanan for coming (it was a big deal) and everyone else for the gifts and good vibes.. and angela and dickson for also staying when the rest of that gang left. it was amazing. anyone took any photos? LOL... meredith brought her dv cam and i am pretty sure there will be loads to laugh at... thank you everyone for coming... it made my day and for those of you who couldn't make it... there is always next year :)
but ashley, joey and ceaser... i will be watching my cupcakes.

it sucks being an adult

2007-05-21T12:13:00.001+08:00

so i am turning thirty in nine days... the big three zero... life begins at thirty they say... does it? well i'll have to find out... some people find it excruciatingly painful to cross over and i can't understand why... cause unless you've found the fountain of youth, i think the next best thing is to embrace it... simply because there isn't much you can do... i got nine days left to say, i am in my twenties... but you know as it is... when some ask how old i am, i say thirty... without any shame... none whatsoever.
apparently i have been acting a little strange, last weekend i turned into an absolute slob. i didn't shower for 38 hours and i didn't even care. ash and i watched grey's anatomy all day saturday and sunday, till we ran out, then he resumed playing virtual poker and i... well... did nothing for a good 45 minutes and then i really really had to snap out of it so i begun cleaning and organizing my life. partially at least. the bedroom is still mess but i cleaned the bathroom and made sure everything was put in its place and i cleaned the playroom. I HAVE A MINI FRIDGE!!! its fucking gorgeous and its matches the playroom... it fits up to eight can's of coke, well currently it contains two cans of coke, a can of mango juice, one mars bar and a snickers bar (almond), we had two mars bars but ash whacked one quietly last night, he seems to think he's suffering from severe chocolate poisoning. well two days before he consumed an entire bar GIANT bar of chocolate, which he obviously blamed on me... (i came home late, he was hungry, he gobbled it down, he felt ill and i got the blame). so what was i talking about... oh yes, turning thirty... yes... hmm.. i wonder if i'll start acting like an adult? what does it mean to be an adult? oh yes, i know... instead of buying a camera you've oh-so-want you think about the plumbing that needs fixing, the roof that's leaking and the friggin termites. its sucks being an adult.

sunday.

2007-05-20T19:25:00.001+08:00

when you see a person you care about fading... what do you do? do you tell them the truth or do you pretend you don't see it and give in to their self pity and loathing? or do you tell them what you see and hope they understand that you're doing it for their own good and pray to god they change? i told a friend what i thought... simply because i didn't see the need to pretend. i thought that's what real friends do. tell each other the truth, the honest truth. some times we filter the truth so its not as harsh but when it reaches a certain point where filtration is useless... because you've been doing it for so long, protecting them from the reality... you need honesty. and when you're honest, they do not necessarily take it the way you'd hoped. the truth can hurt, the blunt truth can honestly hurt a person... you know how they say you need to be cruel to be kind and well i guess i was cruel. i was harsh. but i was real.

i guess i may have lost a friend but at least i told her the truth. hoping that some day she'll understand why i did what i did. it was tiring. i was tired. from trying and trying for someone who didn't try hard enough for herself. maybe some day, we'll be friends again... maybe. maybe when she sees that i didn't do this to deliberately hurt her and i did it cause i cared. i cared more than a lot of people. i cared for a very long time and deep down inside i still care.

sunday, bloody sunday.

butchered

2007-05-18T17:42:00.001+08:00

there's a conspiracy, i swear.. i mean i thought people we're still people... and that they had their heads screwed on right, i don't expect saints but this is brutal. i mean the people you thought you could trust or well at least believe in from time to time... turn out to be... well what you thought they would be but changed your mind later cause they all sound bloody convincing. its like a brilliant sales pitch that goes completely wrong once you've got the product in your hands. the cruel, cruel ways of the world. i need to learn how to be a bitch. not just look it but be it. there is no point otherwise cause people always seem to push you over to get to the other side before you do and it sucks cause some times these people are your friends or the people you trust. its painful to watch and even more painful to be in. i am exhausted actually, i loved my year at inde, so much passion and no killing of your fellow employees or friends. (zurina i miss you with all my heart)... i hate being butchered.

i swear i woke up on the wrong side of the bed... or i could blame it on PMS.... lame i know but some people i know use it all the time, some times more than three times a month... and it still works... LOL.

bad ass friday.

2007-05-14T17:11:00.000+08:00

indecision.
what exactly does that mean?

indecision |ˌindiˈsi zh ən| |ˌˈɪndəˌˈsɪʒən| |ɪndɪˌsɪʒ(ə)n|
noun
the inability to make a decision quickly.
ORIGIN mid 18th cent.: from French indécision, from in- (expressing negation) + décision, from Latin decisio(n-), from the verb decidere (see decide ).

indecision
noun
many an opportunity has been lost to indecision indecisiveness, irresolution, hesitancy, hesitation, tentativeness; ambivalence, doubt, doubtfulness, uncertainty, incertitude; vacillation, wavering, equivocation, second thoughts; shilly-shallying, dithering, temporizing, hemming and hawing, dilly-dallying, sitting on the fence; formal dubiety.

sometimes people become indecisive because they are afraid of making choices... of commitment... because they are afraid of failing... failing themselves and the people they care about and love... but what is life if we choose to hide in corner, too afraid to make decisions because we fear failure... ? we will live in complete darkness, never knowing and always wondering.

decisions (unfortunately) need to be made some times, sometimes they're good decisions and sometimes they are bad. but we make them anyway. we celebrate the good ones and we learn from the bad ones (okay... so maybe some of us don't really learn from the bad ones... but at least we can say... we fucking tried). i believe in taking chances. i too get scared sometimes but never too scared, cause i know if fall, i would have a great bunch of people to help pick me and send me on my way again.

i choose to live a little.

2007-05-08T02:24:00.000+08:00

if only

2007-04-21T19:58:00.000+08:00

there are days when i want to strip myself of every single thing (thoughts, clothes, concerns etc) and walk in rain, walk mind you, not run. without a single care or worry. with no one watching, no one judging and no one to hold me back. i want to laugh loud and hard till tears stream down my face. squish mud between my toes. then lay on the green grass and let the sun dry me. when i am all sun kissed, i'll rise and head home... pour some cereal into a bowl and instead of milk, use whipped cream and use a lot... finish that and run a warm long bath and soak myself with a good book/rubber ducky (whichever i find first) and a glass of wine. make sure my cigarettes and lighter are within reach... after a chapter... get out, half dry my hair... draw the curtain and climb into bed and lie next to ash, tuck my feet under him as i do every other night.. and sleep for as long as i can... wake up and have a big breakfast, nevermind if i wake up at 5 in the evening, i will still have breakfast and then i'll sit under the porch and wait for it to rain again... so i can repeat what i did the day before all over again...

if only.

the grrrls long weekend in bali

2007-04-12T11:37:00.000+08:00

• the location
main room, kampung khu, bali

• the view

• the people
zainabila
meredith
nana
becky
petrina
katya
and i

• the subject
the yellow wall (outside jlo's room)

• the visuals
ranging from buddha upside down and his boobs, george washington and more. also included was bob marley, chairs with dancing legs, crabs that morphed into spiders then lobsters that were actually twigs, fluffy clouds that we're actually pool towels breathing tiles, rugs mistaken for blankets and so forth.

• the highlights
zai and petrina

• provider
madé

• the substance
shroom shakes (that tasted like a concoction of pineapple and lemonade with crunchy shroom bits at the bottom)

• the results
sheer fucking fun!

j a d e d

2007-04-11T23:47:00.000+08:00

how did i get so jaded?
i can't take a decent photograph and i definitely can't paint.
i wake up and wish i didn't ever have to. and instead of finding some inspirational reading material i am reading this book called how to be idle? is something wrong with me? it feels like i want to procrastinate and i am doing it with passion.
i haven't been inspired in a while. sigh.
i think about quiting my job but i can't think of anything else i could possibly do. i want to shoot a short film but i can't think of anything to shoot, i can't even come up with a decent script... i feel numb.
i don't have an imagination anymore and this was proven when we had a shroom session in bali last weekend... i can't understand it anymore. its starting to really annoy me.

need to get out of this place.

sigh

2007-04-03T20:05:00.000+08:00

the highlight of this month, for me, would have to be... this horrendous job we just/almost completed for this horrendous agency and client. there is nothing nice to say about this entire production. if you read mr wanna's blog you'll see why and you'll see the people that oh so graciously contributed to this affair... it was a disaster right from the word "you're on the job"... and i wish to god... i said "i would rather die a slow and painful death than take this"... but being the idiot that i am, i say "great"... i have never been on a production where the clients who were on their first production, told me how to run one... i have never heard so much noise, i have never seen so many idiots standing in one spot... i have never seen so many things fuck up simultaneously the way it has... i am still in post shoot shock. if i could go back in time, i would have kick the client in the crotch, ripped off the balls from the client servicing bitch (yes, i know she's female and has no testicles but i swear she acted like she had it...) and passed it to the hobbit like agency producer who clearly lost his. and then.. resumed shoot. having said all that.. the team and i... despite all the mishaps that we encountered... had some fun together. and the rest... "who the fuck know and who the fuck cares" eh.

malena...

2007-03-20T19:00:00.000+08:00

2007-03-20T01:52:00.000+08:00

late night rendevouz at the office...

attendees |
shaniwannachoda aka my bitch
shanniwanna aka bert's bitch
banana boat
fabulous friday
moon choong aka shaniwannachoda's bitch
and moi aka everybody's bitch

location |
the slave driving hell hole

time |
10.00 am - 3.00am

the mission |
never ending nightmarish booklets
the saving grace of the evil batik design *oh god... help us...

what we accomplished |
absafuckinglutely nothing

the solution |
suicide
and no choda... it won't be the virgin's suicide... it'll be just suicide

i hope that made your day
it sure as hell did mine...

happy tuesday.

2007-03-11T01:23:00.001+08:00

l o s t

i feel some what lost. some how i am in a place i do not like being in. a place sorta like in limbo but the surroundings look very familiar, familiar faces, scents, scenarios. people lose things all the time. people gain more often than not but of course we fail to see that. i hate it when i try and coax myself into believing something, its like bargaining for something yet knowing inside how much you're gonna end up paying for it. i am uncomfortable. the people around me, the people next to me... the person inside me, they're all making me feel very uncomfortable. uneasy. clearly i am losing my mind. they keep talking and they never really stop. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while, i forgot what that feels like. i really should stop thinking.
and whats even more screwed up than all that... is that i am actually happy.
explain that

2007-03-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

i am uninspired.

this i say without a doubt. i have white bordered frames in the next room lying next to my books waiting for photographs to be put in them and hung up. i have blank canvas's that have been lying there for months. i have books i read but can't seem to understand. i have ideas that are dying to come out, but they wont. i have passion i know i can use but its hiding. i feel like my hands are tied but at the same time are so free. i feel wasted. tired. bored.
i went for a tattoo pitch with an agency friend... then some how had a mid life crisis moment and got two more added on... i have been drinking regularly. i feel like i am neglecting my responsibilities, my life and my job. but some how... i don't seem to care. why is it that one can love yet hate so much at the same time. i have thought about leaving a lot lately, packing up, saying cest la vie to what i have and don't... subconsciously i feel this may some what make my life different... but i don't really want a new life... i just wish some things were different, then again... i don't hate what i have. fickle minded friggin' gemini.
i don't exactly like change. i don't exactly adapt to new things very well... depending on what it is of course. i am beyond busy. up to my ass in work.. that some how is beginning to spill over the sides of my table and here i am friggin' blogging... "hi chief procrastinator joanne reporting for duty"... god damn it la.. i think of pink flying elephants every time i feel this surge of irritation with my life wash over me. my thoughts are mixed up and a little deranged. i am a walking catastrophe right now. i should sleep. i should start to understand my reason and actions and not try and justify them. i need to feel as though all of this suddenly means something... mind over matter. mind over matter.... i wish i was stronger. i wish i was more determined. i wish i felt like i had a reason. i need inspiration. fuck la i wish i knew that the hell i was talking about some times. i have stopped taking pictures, sigh.

inspire me.

2007-03-11T01:19:00.000+08:00

sugarhigh

i bet everyone wonders what they are doing here and why they're doing what they do every now and then.
my opinion, which may amount to absolutely nothing... is...
we do the things we do because we can, we need to or even because we want to...
i believe, some times we allow ourselves to think too much. we over analyse the situation... look too deep for answers that are merely on the surface. i do it all the time. some times... there really are no answers and there is no need to search for the questions.
we fall in and out of love, we break hearts, we get ours broken, we fix them, they fix us, we ALWAYS worry about money (for it puts food on the table) and the entire works... which can actually be summed up into one word.... life.
i use to think starting new, some place new was always the way... but it really isn't. because that same boredom will hunt you down and find your ass. and the cycle continues, some what like a broken record. you need to find a way to deal with it without having to make trips to the moon.
you know what we leave out in though, appreciate/appreciation... something we all fail to do enough of, often enough. frankly... we have it good. we just need amusement or a hobby or some times we just need to be reminded.
patience and appreciation are very important... doesn't mean you're not allowed to sulk and whine. how bout if we come up with a bigger plan and a painting that's a little more colourful than the last.
well that's only what i think.

2006-09-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

AND THEN